LIVE from Connor PRAIRIE!

Mr. Jim to Patti " I knew we had a connection". Yee Haw!

Got you all interested huh? Who is this "Mr. Jim" you say? Well, he was one of the Connor Prairie workers at the Apple Harvest thing we went to. What the hell was the name of that Apple thing we did? Oh well, it's not important. What is important is that upon arriving we were greeted by "Mr. Jim". An elder looking man with a side of "Queer eye for the straight Farmer". Over animated. However, I am sure that was part of the gig. Or was it? Who cares the guy was mildly entertaining at first. I say at first! Because as the event progressed well let's just say "Mr. Jim" was starting to win me over.

So, we sign up, get our name tags and head for the Tractor ride to the Apple Orchard. It's a step back in time as we cruise through the main parking lot of Connor Prairie for most of the journey. I am thinking to myself, "gawd, is this gay". We proceed down a muddy somewhat tree lined grass covered road to the "supposed" orchard. It's one fucking tree with a bunch of apples that have been seriously infested by some sort of bugs. The guy driving the tractor stops, gets off the rig and picks a few Apples. He walks all around the wagon we are sitting on (oh and there was no Hay on the wagon as advertised" and proceeds to shows us these crap apples. Surely, there must be more I think. He jumps back on the rig and he turns it back to the direction in which we came from. SERIOUSLY?! I look at my friend Michelle and tell her "I thought we were supposed to pick apples?" Michelle just looks at me and says I don't know. Now I turn to Megs and tell her "this is GAY." I paid 10 bucks to ride though the parking lot to an infested tree? What the fuck?! All I could think about is the long ass line at the Starbucks we tried to stop at before we headed to the prairie. It was a no go on the coffee. No time to wait in line. Much to my despair a couple of yuppie Mom's from Indy were happily sipping on their Non-Fat Soy Mocha Lattes as we bounced our way back on the "supposed" Hay Ride to the entrance to the "Prairie. I hate them I thought. Not really, hate is strong word but I hated that they had my fucking coffee. Because little did I know how much I was gonna need it later.

Time for the rest of the Apple Event. I keep looking at my watch. Where is the cider and the damn donuts at this place. I am dying over here. We head up a long flight of stairs. I offer to carry my preggo friend but I think she knew I was kidding. Of course that was before she tried to climb up into my arms. I'm KIDDING!!! So, we huffed and puffed our way up the stairs. I did, not the preggo friend. I thought, were the hell is the COFFEE in this place? We enter a room with tiny little tables and chairs. Perfectly, placed snacks adorn the tables for the Apple brats. I wonder to myself are these snacks made here? NOT- surprise!, it's apple juice out of a Meijer brand bottle of Apple Juice, a graham cracker from NO, Not even Keebler Elves but from a box and some tiny cup of Apple sauce. Surely, that apple sauce was made here on the prairie out of rotten infested apples. Nope, out of a Mott's bottle of Apple Sauce. What the hell? Ok, this thing is gay beyond gay. I am commited to this deal though and
"Mom Hater" seems to be enjoying it. HUH!? I know.... What is with that?

They gather the Apple brats on a colorful rug to enjoy a story about some Apple related thing. All I could think about was COFFEE and the bottles of wine I would be putting away later that evening. The lady telling the stories had the personality of a post at best. She was no doubt a school teacher at some point in her life and the wear and tear of teaching all those Brats all those years had taken a toll not only on her appearance but in her attitude. It was one little,two little, three little Apples she sang. Then a sort of Blah, blah, blah. I get it lady. I thought to myself. Lord help me if I ever end up having a job like this someday. I will take all the pills in my medicine cabinet. Or pray for the wicked witch from Snow White to feed me a poison apple. They move on to crafts, Apple rolling- let's not go there and a few more crafts. Snack time etc. Not in this particular order but I am bored with it just writing about it.

Then like a rain soaked day with a dark cloud filled sky, THE sun comes beaming out of the clouds. It's Mr. Jim!!!! He's gonna tell us a story and show us a dance. Oh shit I think. Could it get any fucking worse? The dance involves some taped country music with the phrase Yee Haw involved. I'm listening Mr. Jim I think to myself. Go on. WE all hold hands, I had to hold some little blue eyed doe girls hand name Lucy. A real living little doll this little girl. And I got stuck holding her Mom's hand too. Whatever, I will go along I thought. For Lucy's sake. HA! Mr. Jim proceeds to show us the steps to the dance. I LOVE IT! I proclaim in my head. This is right up my alley. Megs my dear friend stands off to the side with her daughter Grace who wanted no part of this dumb ass dance, cheering me on. Can't blaim the kid. She's smart! Megs eyes light up every time she gets to see me say Yee Haw. She knows I am in my element now. We do the dance a few times and "Mom Hater" takes to the middle of the circle alone. It's solo time. Not really but he's my kid and he's feeling the vibe too. You just gotta move. I egg him on. I tell Mr. Jim it's time for each one to breakout of the circle and do their thing. He laughs and tries to get "Mom Hater" back in the circle. Dammit, I thought. I wanted my own solo. Kill Joy I thought. I knew though that Mr. Jim really wanted to do the same. I saw him starting to add some extra foot moves and wiggles. He was feeling it too. "The connection".

WE say our good-byes to Mr. Jim as he bags up our crafts and pushes Connor Prairie on us for the millionth time. I know it's his job but after 2 1/2 hours we GET IT!!! They need the money and want you to join this place. Give me a "real" uninfested apple" "real handmade apple sauce" and you might have had me. In any case- there was no denying it. Even in his gay way WE had made a "connection". Mr. Jim and I. I would be back I thought. I want to do some more dancing!!! Yee Haw I proclaim! See you the next time Mr. Jim!

P.